Codependent relations are very common. There is no definitive study or statistics to indicate how many people in the country are codependent, in one way or another. Any relationship that involves one person who is entirely or considerably defined by the presence or existence of another person is a codependent relationship. That would make innumerable people codependent, some on their partners or spouses, some on their parents, some on their children and some on their friends or relatives.
There is no magic wand that can offer a solution to how to stop being codependent. It is a long process which will need conviction, perseverance and some professional help.
1. First, any codependent person will have to understand what codependency is. If that person is unable to understand or doesn’t take the initiative then someone close to him or her should make an attempt. Codependency is a state where one person feels entirely responsible for another person, to an extent that the life of the former has no more value of its own but is dedicated entirely to the needs of the latter. In most cases, codependency is born in relations that have one abusing partner or person and the other person is the victim of that abuse. The abuse can be that of substance such as drugs or alcohol. The abuse could be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal. The abuser may also be one with a personality or psychological disorder. Physical disorders of people also make their most loved ones codependent but in most of such cases, it is not classified as one being the abuser and the codependent person being the victim.
2. Once codependency is understood, one must acknowledge the reality that he or she is codependent. There can be no beginning to how to stop being codependent if this realization is not there. It is the willingness of the codependent person that will allow the first steps to shape up and without the willpower, there would be no conviction, perseverance or even the efforts to end codependency or to stop being codependent.
3. The first step to stop being codependent is to love oneself. Most codependent people forget that their lives are valuable too, that they need some care and love, some attending to. They dedicate their days and nights for the welfare of the other person or people and in the process they forget that they have some needs, they have to live a life of their own and more importantly, they should be happy. Instead of finding happiness, codependent people tend to get drowned in depression, anxiety, bitterness and resentment. Over time, they start to hate life and the world in general and their own lives and selves in particular. But they would still cling on to codependency and their life as it is with the thought that their actions are helping the other person. Everything is related or due to the other person in that relation. The only way to stop such a thought or mind block is to prioritize oneself. When a person gives priorities to his or her needs and desires, then codependency will stop automatically. The codependent person will start to do things that he or she likes and is happy with and will stop doing things out of compulsion that comes with codependency.
4. There are many easy ways to prioritize oneself. A codependent person should start to think beyond the other person. He or she should look at their strengths, their abilities and find a purpose in their lives. That purpose could be professional, creative, materialistic or immaterial. As long as that purpose is valuable and gettable, it is worth having. When there is something to look forward to and if the codependent person is passionate about it, then lines will be drawn naturally. A codependent person will no longer do things that don’t have to be done. He or she will stop living their life according to the needs or wants of others. A whole new world will open up where the emotions, purposes and interests of the codependent person will matter more, at times more than the relationship. Since codependent relations can drain all the passion and intrigue in one’s life, it is necessary to be quite aggressive about one’s interest. Some dramatic or even drastic measures won’t do any harm.
5. Creating a world of people is also important. As one develops interests in certain facets of life, there is a need for friends and family as well. In most cases, a very close friend or a few good friends would be enough. In some cases, one may need a family, friends and also the support of neighbors. The key is to find peace without trying very hard. One reason why codependent people clean up the mess created by the other person or people in their lives is because they want peace. They don’t want the mess to remain as it is since it bothers them. Clearing it up makes them feel in control and that also gives them the illusion that everything is alright. Well, everything is certainly not alright and it will not be since one should not be trying to conceal reality to have a certain realization or feeling. With good friends, family or even great coworkers, a codependent person can always find love, admiration, peace and steadily over time, he or she would have some strong self esteem and would not need the hand holding by others to stop being codependent.
6. Seeking professional help can be of great help for any codependent person. Not everyone is lucky to have a great support system, a large family or a group of good friends. Besides, codependency exists in varying degrees. The worst cases are very taxing on the codependent person. There are situations where a codependent person cannot take the measures that are being discussed here. In such cases, professional help is the only option. In any case, professional help would be desirable since the therapies and counseling manage to change the psyche of a person. Codependency is mostly in the mind with some influence of real life factors.
7. It is very possible that despite all the efforts mentioned above, a person may not get rid of codependency eventually. He or she may do everything to break away but when they would be back home or back with the person who is the cause of codependency, then things would fall back to square one. It may also happen that the abuser would prevent the codependent person from taking all the steps to end codependency. Like a codependent person becomes accustomed, rather addicted to codependency, the abuser too becomes addicted to rely on the codependent person. In the process of being codependent, a person also enables the other man or woman to continue with their addiction, it fuels their personality disorder or psychological condition. Instead of enabling such conditions or disorders, a codependent person should get professional help for that too. In other words, both people in a codependent relationship should seek counseling and therapy. There are cases where such actions are not possible and the person on whom one is codependent will not be willing to let go of their abusive tendencies. In such cases, it is best to end the codependent relationship instead of trying to cure codependency.