Codependence among married couples is extremely common. Many couples don’t even realize this but they are in a codependent relationship. At times, both spouses are codependent while at times one is the codependent spouse and the other spouse possesses the triggers of codependence. Before you can think of dealing with codependence, you need to know if you are a codependent spouse or if you have a codependent spouse.
Are You A Codependent Spouse?
To know if you are a codependent spouse, you need to ask a few simple questions to yourself.
The first question is: are you or your entire life confined to the needs of your spouse and is there nothing outside your marriage that brings you some satisfaction or joy?
This is a very common scenario in codependent marriages. One person becomes extremely important and the other person defines his or her entire life through the prism of how their spouse treats them or is with them. The entire life and existence of a codependent spouse revolves around the other person and all that matters is the spouse’s wellbeing.
The second question is: are you putting up with your spouse even if they have unacceptable personality traits or psychological conditions?
This is also a very common cause for codependent marriages or relationships. Men or women married to addicts, narcissists, substance abusers, sociopaths and people with various personality or psychological disorders, tend to worry more about their spouse and the sole objective of their lives become the safety and wellbeing of the spouse that has the problems. The mission of a codependent spouse is to take care of their partner at all costs, even at the cost of compromising their own health and neglecting their interests for the entire lifetime.
The third question is: are you doing anything that is interesting to you, without adhering to the needs of your partner?
A codependent spouse will never attend to his or her own needs. The whole focus would be on the partner, regardless of the personality or psychological disorder and behavioral problems that their partner may have.
How To Deal With Codependent Marriages?
If you have realized that you are a codependent spouse, then you must take corrective measures. The very first step is to stop being codependent but ironically that is also the eventual step. Codependence cannot be done away with overnight. The only way to get rid of codependence that fast is to end the marriage and to walk out of your partner’s life completely. If that is the only option, then you should consider dissolution of marriage. But that should also be the last step, when you are certain that you cannot stop being a codependent spouse or your partner would not let go off all the traits or problems that have made you codependent. Codependence stems from various causes and most of them have to do with the partner and not with the codependent spouse.
You should deal with codependence in a pragmatic manner. You cannot change your life drastically without any planning. You need to first realize and accept that you will have to change your life if you wish to cease being a codependent spouse. The next step involves finding a purpose in your life that will be beyond your partner and his or her vices. The purpose could be anything from a job to studying, hobbies to teaching. The objective is to find satisfaction in life through other ways that attending to your partner and then deriving pleasure out of that. People look for pleasure, approval and purpose. When there is no pleasure or purpose, people tend to find causes which they can pursue and derive some satisfaction in their lives. A codependent spouse derives this satisfaction from being there for their partner and deriving all the significance of life from playing that role.
Once you find a purpose, you must pursue it. You may not be able to pursue multiple objectives at the same time. You should thus prioritize. You should try to find joy in things that are not confined to your home or your relationship with your partner. Spend time with friends, let your work or pursuits define you and you should be able to find meaning beyond the definition of your marriage and the role you play as a husband or wife.
Breaking free from codependence will become easy if you find vents or ways to be valuable. It is likely that you will not consider yourself valuable, other than for your partner, if you are a codependent spouse. That is precisely why you need a purpose and you should develop the conviction with which you will pursue that purpose and try to accomplish that, at all costs.