Divorce or dissolution of marriage is an unfortunate consequence which no married couple envisions or wishes for but it becomes the only option in certain circumstances. If a marriage has soured over time and there is no way of reconciling the difference or salvaging the relationship, then it is better to part ways and move on.
While the process of divorcing is not pleasant for anyone, divorcing a narcissist can be more unpleasant. There are many challenges that you would face while divorcing a narcissist. That is primarily because you are not just dealing with a marriage gone bad but you are also dealing with a person who has numerous characteristic problems, actually a disorder.
Before you can gear up to face the challenges of divorcing a narcissist, you need to understand the difference between a normal person and a narcissist.
Understand A Narcissist
A narcissist is a person who considers himself or herself superior to others. Such a person will admire his or her own self and will also demand the same admiration from others. Not only would the person need that admiration but he or she would become quite enraged when that admiration is not bestowed. A narcissist believes that he or she is always right and will always end up feeling to be right and the good person in a marriage. Never, ever, will a narcissist realize that they may have been at fault and that it is actually them who are to be blamed. They are naturally specialized in putting the blame, the onus of the entire fiasco on their spouse.
A narcissist is typically a cynic and doesn’t see the positive to anything other than their own self and what they do. Regardless of their actual success, which may or may not exist in real life, they would think that they are successful and desirable. They will also consider their approach or behavioral skills to be charming. A narcissist would never have any remorse, will seldom have a conscience, will present oneself as the ideal man or woman and will be completely unavailable emotionally. A narcissist holds on to all grievances for a long time, almost forever, even if those grievances are unfound or have been addressed and completely resolved.
A narcissist will try and control everything around him or her, including the entire life and even the personality of their spouse. A narcissist is manipulative, exploitative and can never think selflessly, even when it comes to their kids. A narcissist may appear to be caring or thoughtful but they are not interested in resolving anything, they don’t care about the world or even their loved ones and they will always be rigid with their proposition or standpoint to be the only way out of any situation. A narcissist expects everyone to envy him or her when in reality it is they who are envious of others, regardless of who they are. They will find reasons to be upset and will cling onto that disappointment without even wondering if they are being right or wrong in their approach.
Challenges Of Divorcing A Narcissist
Now that you know who or what a narcissist is, you must have got a fair idea or at least a vague idea of what you are dealing with. A narcissist person can be one of the most difficult people to deal with. An alcoholic or drug addict can still be dealt with because their problem is an addiction which is noticeable and the addict can realize or made to that he is addicted. A narcissist will not accept that he or she is a narcissist. Those who claim, quite proudly, that they are narcissist, actually are not and certainly don’t know what they are talking about.
The challenges of divorcing a narcissist are many. First, the narcissist may not even want to divorce. They cannot imagine a situation when they are being shunned out or someone is walking out on their relationship. To them, the sustenance of the marriage or the heartache of a divorce will not matter. What will matter is the fact that their spouse is going to live a life beyond their control and that they will not be important anymore. They don’t care about the relationship. They will have forgotten everything, even the good times, during the divorce process. What they will have in mind is how they can have some degree of control on their spouse and kids’ lives and if they cannot have any control, then they can become ruthless in their approach to settlement. They can take away all the money, make strategic attempts to gain child custody and may go to any extent to make their spouse’s life miserable. They may or may not be even interested in child custody or money but they will be hell bent on teaching their spouse a lesson for having done something that they did not want to do.
Even if it is the narcissist spouse initiating the divorce, the same challenges will remain, albeit in a little different way. The narcissist will not be compassionate in the proceedings, will not agree to anything that is being proposed by anyone but him or her and the entire process can take ages to be over, or the narcissist may end up with all the assets and child custody.
Tips On Divorcing A Narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist is not a cakewalk but it doesn’t have to be very hard. It’s just that one needs a very well planned approach. Divorcing a normal person and divorcing a narcissist is not the same thing. Hence, the approach cannot be the same.
Be Strong – Financially, Emotionally & Physically
A narcissist is a strong person. He or she may not be very rich or extremely powerful in any way but their mind is very strong and that makes them feel formidable, even if they are not in reality. With such a person, one can never appear to be weak. Being weak doesn’t evoke compassion in them or even mercy. They become more ruthless with weak people. Narcissist people will feed off the weakness of their spouses. What one must do is be strong, financially, emotionally and physically.
The moment a narcissist has to deal with a strong person, they become unconfident and they suddenly don’t know what to do. Financial strength can come from a job. If the non-narcissist spouse is not working at the time of the divorce, a plan to work or some money from some source will offer financial strength, at least mentally. One should always shut off all emotions and leave no room for compassion or an understanding attitude while divorcing a narcissist. Finally, one should appear to be physically strong, even if one isn’t. Formidable presence makes narcissists mad but they also get bogged down in presence of strength.
Be Realistic
Divorcing a narcissist can become very easy when there are no expectations from the narcissist and one takes the realistic way out. Having demands or expectations that should be harbored when dealing with a kind hearted and generous spouse should not be put forth to a narcissist.
Realizing Self Worth
Being married to a narcissist would invariably make a person doubt his or her self-worth. While divorcing a narcissist, one must regain that self-worth. This will make one emotionally strong and will also make it easier to go through the rigors of the divorce.
Have Friends, Family, Loved Ones
Divorcing a narcissist can become very difficult if there are no friends, family members or loved ones. Having a support system is necessary for all divorces but it can change the entire situation while divorcing a narcissist.