Dealing with an overbearing mother in law can be a very daunting challenge. The relationship itself, that of the in-laws, is tricky. If the mother in law and daughter in law form a cordial bond then it can be so much easier for the whole family. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen.
If you are living in the same home as your in-laws then the situation can be even more of a challenge. Having the mother in law in the same city or in the same neighborhood can also be troubling. If you have an overbearing mother in law and she lives in another city then you don’t really have to bother about her, unless she comes over which could be a matter of a few days and you can simply endure all the difficulties or the problems that may occur.
Despite all the difficulties or challenges, there are actually many ways of dealing with an overbearing mother in law. You simply need to have a very well thought out and patient approach. Here is a comprehensive guide to dealing with overbearing mother in laws.
Understand Your Mother-in-law
First, you must understand your mother in law. Accept the fact that she is not your mother and that she is not the same person as you are. You don’t need to find your own mother in her and you certainly don’t have to feel bad or sad that there isn’t a cordial bond between you and your mother in law. Not all relations are supposed to be ideal and you don’t have to feel disappointed. Instead of brooding over all the difficulties that you are facing or have to face, you should try to understand the nature or personality of your husband’s mother. Some mothers do not like the reality that their sons have someone more important than them or at least as important as them. Some mothers are entirely accepting of the changed reality and don’t have any problem with standing second or next to the daughter in law. This is certainly not the case if you have an overbearing mother in law. In many cases, the mother has no problem with the change in reality but she may have certain approaches of dealing with the daughter in law. To exert a certain degree of control or to have things her way, she may become difficult to deal with. Eventually, she would become unbearable.
You don’t have to delve into the history of the person or the fact whether or not she wanted you as her daughter in law. She may or may not like you. You don’t have to read her from your perspective. You simply have to understand what kind of a person she is. When you know why she is doing what she is doing to you, it would become very easy for you to handle. Try and figure out all the reasons that are causing your mother in law to behave in the overbearing way.
Detach Yourself Emotionally
Many women want to form a nice bond with the husbands’ parents, especially with his mother. This makes them want to walk the extra mile. Some married women try too hard to impress the husband’s family and in the process end up being emotionally vulnerable. If you have an overbearing mother-in-law, there is really no reason why you should be emotionally invested. You should immediately detach yourself emotionally from the relationship. When you are detached emotionally, you will not be vulnerable and everything that the mother-in-law does will seldom affect you. Over time, you will become immune to everything that she does and she will also realize that she is not having any impact on you. When there is no impact, she may stop doing all that she had been doing to trouble you. It is only when you get worked up, get bothered and react in different ways, at times controlled and at times uncontrolled, that she would be encouraged to stick to her ways. The best discouragement is to be disinterested.
Get Spousal Support
Your spouse is your main source of support, even in a situation like this. His mother, while very important to him, is not his wife. He should support and defend you in all ways, especially if you feel you are being victimized by his mother. Speak to him about the way you feel and the situation at hand. He knows his mother better than you do, and can likely offer some very valuable and practical advice.
Set Ground Rules
When you start a family, it is your house and you need to set some ground rules that will be applicable to you and your husband as well as kids if you have them. Those ground rules will be applicable by the law of extension to anyone and everyone who is known to you. Hence, if you have a ground rule that no one should visit you without informing during the dinner time or during any time of the day, then that rule applies to your mother-in-law as well. If she drops in for surprise visits far too often and you don’t like that, then you should talk to her and make things clear. The best strategy is to be cordial and make her understand what you would be doing and how it may be difficult for you to attend to her when you would be busy with your work, chores or anything else that has to be done. Speaking lucidly, setting the ground rules and conveying them without ambiguity are by far the best ways to have peace and avoid tricky situations.
Be Pragmatic & Matured
Most importantly, you must be pragmatic. Don’t lose patience, don’t lose your mind, don’t overreact or become hypersensitive, don’t be hard on the mother-in-law, don’t stretch things or escalate them beyond the point necessary and don’t try to sour her relationship with your husband. Be pragmatic, take measured steps and be matured, that should be enough to help you in dealing with overbearing mother in law.