Dealing with a narcissistic mother in law can be a nightmare. You may have found the ideal man or woman; you may be deeply in love and very happily married. Everything may have gone right for you but having a narcissistic mother in law can change all that. There are case studies where mother in law issues have ruined marriages and have often left a scar in the psyche of the affected. There is no running away from a narcissistic mother in law because the relationship has already been inked and if she is staying with you in the same house, then the entire experience can become worse than a nightmare.
Brief Guide to Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother In Law
At the very onset, try to ascertain if your mother in law is a narcissist. You can do this by running a very simple test or by looking for the red flags. Does your mother in law boast all the time, brag about her family, her own life or her husband’s and your partner’s? Does she feel that everything is great about her and nothing about you is that great? Does she goad, nag, irritate you consistently, keep intruding on every matter and belittles you in every possible way? Does she make an effort to make you feel miserable or pushes you to the wall and delude you? Is she the number one in the family without any rhyme or reason apparently? If you answer yes to most of these questions, then you have a narcissistic mother in law. As you would possibly imagine, there is no dearth of such situations.
Once you have ascertained that you have a narcissistic mother in law, you must start to empathize. Don’t get into fights, don’t feel pity and don’t try to develop a strong bond with her. Simply observe her and notice what all she does. Don’t try to agree or disagree with her and certainly don’t feel any sympathy considering that narcissism is a personality disorder and not really a harmless adjective meant to describe a person’s psyche, character or personality. There are many adverse impacts, some quite radical and undesirable, of narcissism and that is why dealing with a narcissistic mother in law must be taken seriously.
You should never ignore or avoid your narcissistic mother in law. You need to confront. Don’t counterattack as that would not be productive but certainly don’t take everything lying down. You cannot avoid situations when you are being humiliated or abused in some way or pushed back to the wall and hope that everything will get sorted on its own. Nothing will get sorted because your mother in law would remain a narcissist. You should confront her whenever you think you cannot take it or should not take it. If you notice that the actions or reactions of your mother in law are harmless or not affecting you much, then you can always ignore those but whenever you get offended, depressed, affected in any way then you should protest. Do not go on a rampage accusing her of everything, don’t get abusive or aggressive. Simply draw the line that what she is doing is not acceptable and that there could be consequences from your end if the situation is not resolved or made better.
The moment you start holding her accountable for her actions, reactions, behavior and everything she says, you will notice that she would measure her approach thereon. She will not become an ideal mother in law but she will take her narcissism and bother someone else. You don’t have to be argumentative or very threatening to do this. Just don’t pay heed to what she does but protest and confront when your predetermined lines or degrees of acceptability have been crossed.
You should have lucid expectations from one another. She should know what to expect from you and you should have your expectations sorted out as well. It is the failure to deliver on expectations that create more trouble. You would be hurt if you expect your mother in law to change and be very loving, as you may have hoped for, and she may expect you to be submissive or demure. Nothing of that nature should be established, no room must be left for such assumptions. You must make it absolutely clear of what roles the two of you should play and in what way. She doesn’t have to adhere to your ways but you don’t have to adhere to hers either. As long as both of you know that a certain norm is in place, there is possibility of some stability, calm and peace.
You should not seek the help of your partner at all times because that would empower your mother in law allowing her to think that you are helpless on your own.