Passive aggressive behavior is extremely common, certainly more than what you would imagine. In a sense, every person displays passive aggression at some point in time. Passive aggressiveness is not a problem if it is momentary or once in a rare blue moon. It is a problem if a person has become passive aggressive by nature. If someone has a passive aggressive personality, then you have trouble brewing. If you have a passive aggressive spouse, then the situation is even more daunting for you. It is still possible to walk away from a passive aggressive person at your workplace or to avoid a friend who has such a personality. It is very difficult to manage or deal with passive aggressive spouse.
Before we delve into how to deal with passive aggressive spouse, it is necessary for you to understand what it actually is. Passive aggression can be born due to myriad reasons. There is no sole factor that contributes to this personality. However, there is one thing in common in all passive aggressive spouses. They are aggressive and want to get back at their partner but they cannot do it or don’t want to do it actively. In other words, their aggression would not find vents in confrontation, articulate conversations or even verbal and physical abuse. Instead, they would develop many characteristics which would be the form of articulation or expression of their aggression.
Passive aggressive spouses would appear to be sullen, they would be forgetful, intentionally inefficient, be irritated all the time, might complain for no apparent or legitimate reason, they will shy away from responsibility and may fear authority or compulsions, they would have a closed mind and they would procrastinate. Passive aggression also instills restlessness in a person that easily shows how angry one is but is unable to express that. This may lead to various kinds of hostility.
Once you know that you are living with a passive aggressive spouse, here’s what you should do.
Step 1:
First, try to consult a therapist. Every case of passive aggressiveness can be unique. Without knowing the history of a person, it is very difficult to state what has caused the passive aggressiveness in the first place. It is easy to generalize but they would be of no help to you. As interaction is beyond the scope of this article, you should speak with a trained and reputed therapist and seek expert advice to know the causes of your spouse’s passive aggressiveness.
Step 2:
You may begin with confrontation but that would be futile unless you can figure out the causes. That is why you should consult a therapist first. Once you know the causes, you should confront your spouse. Don’t confront violently or even aggressively. The more aggressive you are, the more passively aggressive your spouse would become. Remember, they fear authority, their ego is fragile and volatile, they don’t like to feel helpless even though they are feeling helpless when you confront. You should appear to be empathetic and you must have a sense of compassion. However, you must not be lenient. You should not deal with passive aggressive spouse with kid gloves. You should be firm in your own right but you should be accommodating enough to hear what your spouse has to say. The moment you give in to passive aggressiveness, there is little you can do later to salvage the situation. But if you are too aggressive yourself, then your spouse may get further cocooned and you shall fail to derive anything from the confrontation. It is a tricky terrain and that’s why it is so difficult.
Step 3:
You should always be specific in everything you say or do with your spouse. If you are having a discussion about something that your spouse has done and you did not like it, then stick to what the moot is at the moment. Don’t bring in something from the past, several incidents from here and there and certainly don’t bombard your spouse with numerous complaints. This will lead to more passive aggressiveness. Address the subject at hand and express that what your spouse has said or done is not right. You will notice that your spouse would have a quaint reaction to all this but addressing one problem at a time and not the general situation would help in instilling the required realization in your spouse.
Step 4:
Always draw a line beyond which you would not tolerate the passive aggressive behavior of your spouse. Decide how you should react. You should not try to confront all the time. You should walk away, do certain things that don’t involve your spouse and express in a suitable manner that your spouse’s behavior is undesirable.
Step 5:
You should develop an assertive behavior. Don’t complain, don’t feel bogged down, don’t react and don’t give importance to your spouse when there is any sign of passive aggressiveness. Stick to your tasks, have fun yourself, don’t let your spouse’s behavior make you lose your nerve and certainly don’t blame your spouse at such junctures. Without the attention and reaction, passive aggressiveness becomes futile and such spouses realize the futility of their behavior.