Cuil theory is a theoretical form of measurement. The idea of its foundation is an almost satirical look at how terrible search engines are at creating relationships between tangential items. In this theoretical form of measurement, there are 7 different cuils that are offered and each involves asking for a hamburger.
Each Cuil is one level of abstraction that is away from the actual reality of the situation.
This information comes from Reddit’s thumbnails and discussion of Cuil theory.
You ask for a hamburger. You receive a racoon.
You ask for a hamburger. The only problem is that the person you’ve asked for a hamburger doesn’t actually exists. Instead, you look again at where the person you thought you asked for a hamburger was standing and find that a picture of a hamburger happens to be there.
You ask for a hamburger, but don’t receive one. You grow tired, so you decide to call it a night and go to bed. It’s a good night of rest. When you wake up in the morning, you realize that you’ve actually become a hamburger in your sleep. You take a look in the mirror and cannot help but scream. Special sauce flies out from between your bun lips.
You notice that the world has taken on a very sepia-like tone, probably because your eyes have become part of the sesame seed bun.
You ask for a hamburger. Except you don’t understand that you’ve asked for a hamburger because you’ve suddenly started speaking in fluent German. In the distance, you see a mime crying softly as it cradles a calf. Now your grandfather appears, doesn’t matter if he has died, and stares at you because you’ve asked for a hamburger instead of working hard for one. The calf the mime is holding begins to break apart into cooked hamburger patties.
The person you’ve asked for a hamburger now has pickles for eyes. A song escapes your lips, telling the story of the creation of the universe. You wonder where the ketchup might appear, then realize that the mime is actually crying condiments.
You ask for a hamburger. The person you ask gives you the hamburger that you want. Your stomach rumbles. Almost unconsciously, you raise the hamburger to your lips and take a large bite.
You notice your eye begin to twitch. You can’t stop making it twitch. Then you notice movement across the street from you. A father of three somehow falls down a flight of stairs. You’re still chewing the hamburger, so you decide to swallow. You look down at the hamburger in your hands. You’ve been given the hamburger that you want.
There are children at the top of the stairs. You cannot swallow. A pickle moves underneath the bun. The children are crying. You raise the hamburgers to your lips because you must take a bite. You feel hot tears streaming down your cheeks as you take a bite. You’ve been given the hamburger that you want.
The person you’ve asked is pleading with you. You feel the need to ask for another hamburger. You look down at your hands and see a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with the person you’ve asked for a hamburger to go across the street. The children laugh. You’ve been given the hamburger that you want.
You scream. You realize that you have fallen down the stairs. You realize that the person you’ve been asking for a hamburger is your parent. Your eyes are open, but everything seems dark. You cannot see anything. The concrete is rushing up to greet your face with a kind hug.
You wake up in your own bed, dripping heavily in sweat. Your heart is racing. Your eye twitches involuntarily. You’ve been given the hamburger that you want.
You kill the person who you’ve been asking for a hamburger. This person does not make a sound. You’ve been given the hamburger that you want.
You ask for a hamburger. The person you ask attempts to respond, but their response is cut short because they suddenly lose all electrons within their body. The dismay you feel can be felt across multiple dimensions.
You ask for a hamburger. John Lennon gives you an apple. You try to grasp it, but it slips through your fingers.
You ask for a hamburger. You realize that the person you are asking is actually an ocelot. You disapprove. Ocelots are not known for being generous with hamburgers. Then a crack appears in the universe. This is in defiance of all conventional physics. Cosmological background noise can be heard and it isn’t random. You’re pretty sure that note is an A-flat.
You ask for a hamburger. Children stop what they are doing and begin to hum in A-flat. It is with perfect pitch. Birds fall from the sky. The sun begins to engulf the planet. You hesitate. Then you realize that you are the foundation of all knowledge. You begin to pursue information. Entropy crumbles. A library ceases to exist somewhere in Phoenix. You stumble because the weight of everything feels heavy in nothing. Your mouth cries out.
You ask for a hamburger. Except you’re in the fourth dimension and this is the only place you exist. Your body has blinked out of the spatial plane. All of the knowledge you’ve collected forms a ball and begins to roll around, eventually encountering a small dog. You realize that the flavor of a hamburger is distinctly sideways. You blink.
You’re back. Corporeal existence returns. The universe has reasserted itself. You have received the hamburger that you want. Except the small dog playing with the ball of knowledge has been given a steak. It keeps eating steak. It’s good steak.
Then you die. It’s a freak accident. Your soul decides that now is the time to return your overdue library books. You disapprove. This disapproval creates separation between life and death. You hear a child cry. His father is standing at the top of a stairway.
You ask for a hamburger. The universe becomes engulfed within itself. You see a bus and it is advertising hot dogs. It is driven by a dog. The dog disapproves. Gravity becomes reverse.
You ask for a hamburger. You receive a potato. It is convulsing just a little You disapprove. This disapproval creates separation between life and death.
You ask for a hamburger. A small dog eating steak is given hamburger instead. You disapprove. This disapproval creates a silence that penetrates everything.
You ask for a hamburger. You receive the hamburger you want, but cannot grab it because your body has become a blob of nothingness. You divide into three parts. A dog barks. The universe realigns itself. The dog and the hamburger disapprove. This disapproval stops the realignment. A pig is launched and discovers it likes to fly.
You ask for a hamburger. You receive the hamburger that you want. The hamburger screams as you take a bite. Then you laugh an evil laugh as the hamburger pleads for mercy. The person you’ve asked for a hamburger disapproves. You have been condemned to an eternity with flying pigs and a universal void. The space-time continuum of the universe disapproves. A pickle refuses to be digested. Hell freezes over.
You ask for a hamburger. It is refused. You ask again. It is refused. You demand a lawyer, but are told that this is a world where lawyers do not exist. Only dogs exist. Your name is sin. You are blasphemy.
You ask for a hamburger. The pickle vanquishes your soul. The universe realigns itself.
You beg for a hamburger. Then you realize that dogs are in the hieroglyphic writings of Egypt. You begin to mumble. People worship the hieroglyphs and the obelisks they are on. You are soulless, but worship too. Hamburgers have been banned. The sun explodes. Planets cease to exist. Only Pluto now exists because it is no longer a planet. You are on vacation on Pluto.
You ask for a hamburger. It is the only way to re-establish time. Earth is formed again. You are its ruler. Hamburgers are your army. You wake up.
Clowns. There are clowns everywhere. Your dreams rush up to greet you like a new lover. That’s when you realize that you have been kidnapped. You ask what the ransom for your freedom happens to be. It’s a hamburger.
You ask for a hamburger. You are given a hot dog.
Cuil theory in relation to hamburgers is a way to consider the searching relationships between objects. These different cuils show how items may seem surreal and independent of each other, but may also have unknown relationships. It may be a relationship that seems strange to some, but could make complete sense to someone else.
In other words, the Cuil theory hamburger fits one certain standard. It is up to you to determine if that standard meets your own standards.