So you have “discovered” that your partner, sister, parent, friend or (fill in the blank) is a narcissist and you hope that confronting them will set the wheels in motion to a better relationship and a more peaceful life for the person you plan on confronting.
There are a few things that you need to understand before you get started with confronting a narcissist. The first and most important detail that you should know is that it may not work. You may be opening a can of worms that can lead to a narcissistic rage.
The narcissist may come across as boisterous and full of themselves but the reality is they have very fragile egos that are easily bruised and will do whatever they have to, to protect their egos. You may wind up confronting someone that is passive aggressive or that has a full blown out fit.
Understanding the Narcissist
Before you get ready to confront someone that you believe is displaying narcissistic tendencies you want to understand how this personality disorder develops and what it really is related to. The narcissist has not developed certain coping skills that other people their age with similar backgrounds have developed.
The bragging behavior, the lack of empathy, the displays of self-centered behavior is all in place for one reason. The narcissist has low self-esteem. They may not even be aware of the issues at hand but typically that is what causes this personality disorder. There may have been trauma (emotional or physical) during the developing years that have created this behavior. There is no absolute that has been determined as to what causes this personality disorder to form only that once it does it is very difficult to undo.
One of the traits that are associated with this disorder is the perception of being “expert” in most any subject including subjects about their own personality or their own behavior. Confronting a narcissist about their behavior can be very difficult because the narcissist is not easily persuaded that something is not quite right about their behavior.
What Do You Hope To Achieve
Before you confront anyone you have to confront your own feelings. What do you hope to gain from confronting your narcissist? Do you hope that they will get help? Do you hope it will change your relationship? Do you just have a point to prove?
Your expectations and how you are playing out this scenario in your head plays a big role in this matter and being anything less than honest with yourself about it can be setting yourself up for failure. You have to go into this with clear expectations on your part.
Ask yourself why this is important to you before you take the next steps.
The Toughest Part
The hardest part about confronting a narcissist is in the convincing. Choosing your words carefully can help to get your point considered. Offsetting some of the negative responses can be difficult but if you approach the situation in the right frame of mind you may be able to get your point across without any of the negative repercussions that are associated with narcissistic behavior.
The words you use are imperative to success or failure. You want to avoid using accusatory words like “you always” or “it’s your fault” it is better to ask questions and give the narcissist something to think about. They will do much better to make the “discovery” on their own.
By asking pointed questions you can open up a dialogue that can get the person you are trying to confront involved in the idea that they need some therapy. A frank discussion would be the ideal way to handle this but unfortunately it is not likely possible.
You are going to have to approach the situation with kid gloves and use words that are easy to hear. Asking questions like “can we discuss something that is bothering me?” not “can we talk about the way you act?”
You can also say things like “sometimes I notice that____” and fill in the blank. By taking responsibility for the way you feel about their behavior you take the pressure off of them. You will see quite quickly if the conversation is going to go south or not.
Prepare
You cannot control the outcome of the conversation. You can initiate the conversation and participate in the conversation but you cannot control the outcome. Be prepared to feel frustrated and to have to deal with some angry outbursts if the conversation gets too heated.
Confronting a narcissist typically does not turn out well be sure that it is something that you feel you need to do and prepare yourself for a potential negative outcome. In other words be prepared to release this person from your life if it comes down to it.