The Oxford Dictionary explains narcissism as an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance. In psychology, narcissism is defined as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type. In psychoanalysis, narcissism is depicted as self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.
There are two types of narcissism and thus two types of narcissist – arrogant or extroverted narcissism which makes for an overt narcissist and shy or introverted narcissism which makes a covert narcissist. The distinction is as simple as the difference between over or expressive and covert or shy. An overt narcissist is easy to identify and thus also easier to deal with. A covert narcissist is difficult to spot and thus more challenging to deal with.
How To Spot A Covert Narcissist
Typically, if you come across a narcissist or if you are living with one, then you would observe the person as extremely selfish, he or she would not care for anyone or anything, they would have a sense or feeling of superiority and more importantly would look down upon others or things that are not theirs, there is a constant craving for grand acknowledgements of their abilities or prowess, which may be real or imaginative. These traits are the obvious signs of an overt narcissist. All these traits would be very visible and the narcissist would make no excuses or have no remorse for being such a difficult person, or being an outright bad man or woman.
When these traits exist but in a covert manner, which are not explicitly displayed and thus not very apparent, then it is covert or shy narcissism and the person is known as a covert narcissist. In addition to the introverted traits or shy form of narcissism, there are some additional traits that a covert narcissist would display with certain regularity.
A covert narcissist will always play the victim. Regardless of whether anything wrong has been done to them or not, they would appear to have been wronged, they would portray their lives as unfortunate or less fortunate, they would want sympathy from others and will want to be the center of attraction not because they deserve it but because they want it or need it. They would secretly connive to do everything that is possible to get everyone’s attention but all those efforts would not be grandiose as is common with an overt narcissist.
How To Deal With A Covert Narcissist
The first step to dealing with a covert narcissist is to spot them and to be sure that they are displaying signs of covert or shy narcissism. Once you are certain of their psychological condition or personality disorder, you need to prepare yourself emotionally, mentally and physically so you can manage your actions and reactions in their presence.
The one thing that narcissists survive on is by feeding on others’ actions and reactions. When those actions and reactions are in their favor or as they desire them to, they would grow stronger. Whenever they don’t get the reactions or trigger the actions that they want to be a part of or a recipient of, they would suffer a blow to their confidence. This is what you need to do when you deal with a covert narcissist.
A covert narcissist will always try various ways to become the most important person in a given situation and would want everyone to swoon over him or her without any apparent reason. The reasons would be all manufactured or a manifestation of their imagination. When these manifestations, imaginations or manufactured situations don’t work, they would be compelled to take a step back. The moment you respond to these gestures or vested moves, you are giving in to the desired and needs of a covert narcissist and then he or she would take control of your thoughts and make their own selves the most important presence in your life. If you have already given in to their actions or plans, then you need to take a step back and draw yourself out before it is too late.
The biggest challenge in dealing with a covert narcissist is that one would feel sorry for the person. A covert narcissist is often pessimistic, depressed, shows signs of low self esteem and would also suffer from anxiety. There can be a cloud of gloom and doom around them and they will lack the zest for life. It is these attributes that draw people to pay attention to a covert narcissist and their needs. Instead of attending to those needs, intervention must be sought so the problem can be managed without falling for the idiosyncrasies.