Have you ever come away from a conversation, asking yourself if your crazy? When people are done having a conversation with a passive aggressive person, this is often what they think. The person on the receiving end will often ask questions like, “Did I do something to deserve being treated like that,” or “did that person really just treat me this way?” As many people can attest, “crazy-makers” is an apt nickname for passive aggressive people.
Communicating with passive aggressive people can be a challenge. More often then not, the person who is being passive aggressive is employing this form of communication as a way of conveying emotions without creating a conflict. Instead of coming right out to you and telling you how they feel, they believe that the only way they can communicate their emotions is through this underhanded means. Whether a skill picked up when growing up, or a snap reaction caused by a particularly stressful day of work, passive aggressive communication is not healthy. In addition, it does not lead to healthy resolutions when there are problems between people.
Lets take a moment to look at what can be considered the opposite of passive aggressive behavior, assertive communication. We will take a moment to define what it means, as well as seeing how it can be employed to resolve problems with passive aggressive individuals.
What Is Assertive Communication?
“We have a problem.” If you are like me, then that statement causes butterflies in your stomach. That is because people do not like conflict. We do not like it when something may be wrong as a result of us. Individuals are predisposed to hold a positive view of themselves. When anything challenges that, we become defensive. Passive aggressive behavior is one such defensive mechanism. While it does not allow for effective communication or the resolution of the event, it does allow us to voice a little bit of our frustration and hurt to those around us.
Assertive communication is the statement “We have a problem.” It is clearly and objectively stating that something is currently wrong. Assertive communication takes judgment out of the equation. The person being assertive is not trying to win an argument, prove that he or she is better then the other person, or try to make the other person feel a particular way. It is the opposite of manipulation, as it works to bring everything up in as safe of an atmosphere as possible. When assertive communication is employed correctly, it is the great killer of passive aggressive behavior.
Assertive Communication: Dealing With Passive Aggressive People
How does assertive communication stop passive aggressive behavior? Well, lets remember that people are passive aggressive when they are trying to avoid conflict that they feel is unfair and inevitable if they speak up. Many people who are passive aggressive lack the self-esteem to stand up and speak for themselves. In addition, they fear having their own personal harsh judgments they hold for themselves confirmed. A passive aggressive person may feel like they are constantly under attack by those around them, and being passive aggressive is the one way they feel they can fight back.
With assertive communication, you approach the passive aggressive person, and put everything out there. The passive aggressive person will fear that this is an attack against them, and may try to attack you verbally as a means of self defense. By staying to the facts and remaining calm and objective, you can help steer the conversation towards something productive. Whether this is what is causing their passive aggressive behavior or the behavior itself, assertive communication can help create a window for both people to talk honestly. More often then not, a passive aggressive person will apologize for their behavior when confronted by it and also given an opportunity to speak openly about how they feel. While employing assertive communication will differ depending on who you are talking to, it has a proven track record for resolving problems before they get out of hand.
What About Assertive Communication In The Workplace?
This will depend on the nature of your relationship to the passive aggressive person. More often then not, a coworker’s passive aggressive personality can be mediated by having a strict understanding of what people are responsible for, and a limitation of communication between the two. If this does not work however, then it may be time to either approach the person with assertive communication, or go to the HR department regarding the individual. In either case, what has to be said will be said. If it seems like the passive aggressive person is prone to overreact, then it is best to go through HR, as there will be witnesses to the behavior.