Dealing with an ex husband, regardless of what kind of psyche or personality he has, can be quite challenging. Everyone needs to learn the way to manage a divorce and then the path ahead. When an ex husband is a narcissist, the challenges of dealing with a divorce and its aftermath become more challenging than usual. The challengers become almost indomitable and certainly daunting. Dealing with a narcissistic ex husband will require practice and you would have to be very conscious about everything you do that involves him or is associated with your marital past.
The very first step in dealing with a narcissistic ex husband is to understand and acknowledge that he is a narcissist and that he would remain so. If he could not change himself in all the years then there is little chance that he would change after your divorce. Thus, you should be prepared to be completely mechanical, in a sense that everything you would do should be according to a plan.
Here’s a brief but helpful guide to dealing with a narcissistic ex husband.
1. First, you must learn to shield yourself emotionally. A narcissist treats emotions as nothing but as a weapon when one needs it. In case of a narcissistic ex husband, he would do all he can to make you emotionally vulnerable. In most cases, the emotions are exploited to an extent that they are aptly referred to as emotional abuse. From no communication to vile words aimed at demoralizing you, from the silent treatment to intentionally messing things up to wrack your mind and emotional peace, a narcissist would walk several miles more to emotionally abuse you. It is absolutely imperative to shield yourself emotionally. You can get help from friends, family and colleagues or use your hobbies, passion, work or anything for that matter to keep your emotions invested in things or people who would not take them on a ride. Emotional vulnerability is unavoidable after a divorce and it can be very unsettling but you should not make it apparent, especially if you have a narcissistic ex husband.
2. Second, you must ensure that you have financial security. Narcissists have a tendency to boast their financial strength and if they don’t have that then they have the tendency to draw everything out from the other person to attend to their own needs and interests. Narcissists are not just selfish. They don’t care about anyone at all. If you are to get paid for child support or alimony from your narcissistic ex husband, then you should ensure that he is not lying about his income and that he pays on time. He will express an aggressive willingness to not pay. If you are the earner and you don’t have much or anything to get from him then you must secure your own finances. Narcissists can drain every penny out of your paycheck in ways you cannot imagine.
3. Third, you must keep your narcissistic ex husband on a very tight leash. You must not allow any room for errors. If he fails to pay your alimony or delays paying for child support for even a few days, file an official complaint with the court. Don’t give him space or any leeway. Those little errors of yours will come back to haunt you and will pave the way for endless sleepless nights. Don’t be anxious or panicked at all times. Just know the deadlines and the red flags and whenever they require attention, take some action.
4. Fourth, it is necessary to limit communication with an ex husband, especially if he is a narcissist. Don’t talk too much on the phone. Ideally, you should keep communications restricted to emails and at the most texts or instant messages. Don’t engage in anything that a normal divorced couple would do, such as video calling or talking for a long time just to talk about how the two are doing if both are doing fine. Such conversations will not happen with a narcissistic ex husband. Even if they do happen, particularly if initiated by the narcissist, then that is a red flag. If a narcissist takes any interest in you then it is to hurt you later. There has to be some reason for anything nice that a narcissist does.
5. Co-parenting is not ideal for you. Dealing with a narcissistic ex husband will need you to stay immune and be completely oblivious of his presence in your life and world but to bestow the responsibilities that are necessary. Co-parenting will require two of you to work together in many cases. You don’t want that. Opt for parallel parenting. If you get the custody of your child or children, then don’t have much space for the ex husband unless it is absolutely necessary.